There is so much news out there today:
~ Obama Plays Race Card RACIST!
~ Sharpton vows to march against Arizona immigration law (but wait, there's more!): Sharpton joined Lillian Rodriguez Lopez from the Hispanic Federation in New York City on Sunday to speak out against the law. They say activists are prepared to commit civil disobedience to fight it. Wait. I thought that dissent was verboten. TERRORISTS! Did I miss something, Sharpie?! Momma loves irony.
~ Obamacare's Danger Signs I will not say we told you so. I will not say we told you so. I will not...oh hell: WE TOLD YOU SO!
While I typically offer more in-depth and analytical thoughts on such^ topics, today there is REAL pressing news, news that MUST be disseminated before it's too late, IMPORTANT topics that take precedence, so I am breaking from the norm to offer the following PSAs.
~~~ This just in, hot of the Internets (thanky al gore!). Breaking News! Don't Talk To Aliens, Warns Stephen Hawking
No matter how much you want to talk to E.T., I repeat Stephen's refrain: DO NOT TALK TO ALIENS! Just give them the cold shoulder and whatever you do, do not be drawn into their accusation that you are an alienist, ALIENIST!, because as we all know from the libs, that's a one-sided game.
I see you out there mocking. THIS IS FOR REALS. If you decide to talk to these dudes, it's at your own peril. Stephan doesn't see it working out for us.
He concludes that trying to make contact with alien races is “a little too risky”. He said: “If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”
OMG! Soon, we'll ALL qualify to run our own casinos!
~~~ If all this jib-jab about snubbing aliens isn't enough to make you anxious, today we learn that levels of sperm in men (as opposed to women?!) is falling. ~faints~
Other studies found that between 15 and 20 per cent of young men now find themselves with sperm counts of less than 20m per ml, which is technically defined as abnormal. In contrast, a dairy bull has a viable sperm count in the billions.
Oh snap! Article wasn't content to just keep it to one species, they had to throw in this graphic comparison BURN! Hey guys, how's that make you feel? Diminished? Sad? Intrigued? Need a shoulder to cry on?
DO NOT TALK TO ALIENS!
Not all is lost; you are not to blame. In the end, the blame for the lowered sperm counts falls on your mother. She probably doesn't think you're mature enough to be a father. The theory is that this horrible, no good, news begins in the womb. Man, talk about trying to control your life, this goes beyond hovering: NO BABIES FOR YOU! Personally, I was hoping for an alien angle, but whatev. We can take it.
~~~ If these stories are giving you a twitch, if you are feeling anxious and need to burn off some pent-up energy (MEN: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT), may I suggest art therapy?
Seattle Cartoonist Launches "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day"
Again, this is for reals.
After Comedy Central cut a portion of a South Park episode following a death threat from a radical Muslim group, Seattle cartoonist Molly Norris wanted to counter the fear. She has declared May 20th "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day."
Looks like the death-threat Muslims are gonna have to kill off everyone with a sense of humor. You think that's funny?! ~makes "slits throat' motion here~ NO VIRGINS FOR YOU!
What must the aliens think of us?! We'll never know, because Stephen has issued the alarm:
DO NOT TALK TO ALIENS!
Tomorrow, it's back to politics. It's a brave new world; be careful out there, mah babies...